Blue Christmas

Summary

This episode of "Coping" centers on the idea of 'Blue Christmas,' exploring how the holiday season can be both joyful and sorrowful for many people. Kathy and Kevin discuss how grief and joy can coexist during the holidays, particularly for those experiencing loss or major life changes. Kevin shares a personal experience from 2020 working as a bedside chaplain during Covid, while Kathy discusses her preference for Thanksgiving over Christmas due to its focus on gratitude.

The conversation includes recommendations for grief support resources, specifically mentioning David Kessler's holiday grief support and Grief Share's 'Surviving the Holidays' program. The episode concludes with a suggested ritual of hanging a blue ornament and shares Jan Richardson's 'Blessing for the Brokenhearted' poem.

Highlights

Introduction to Blue Christmas Concept

The hosts introduce the concept of 'Blue Christmas,' acknowledging that while the holiday season is typically portrayed as joyful, it can be a time of deep sorrow for many. Speaker0 emphasizes that it's acceptable to feel both joy and sadness during the holidays, whether due to recent loss or general struggles.

Personal Experiences with Blue Christmas

Kevin shares his significant Blue Christmas experience from 2020 while working as a hospital chaplain during Covid, feeling disconnected from the holiday spirit. Kathy reflects on her preference for Thanksgiving over Christmas, noting how commercialization has affected the holiday's meaning.

Support Resources and Coping Strategies

The hosts discuss two major grief support resources: David Kessler's holiday grief support sessions and Grief Share's 'Surviving the Holidays' program. Kathy shares a success story about someone who found community through Grief Share, even leading to social activities like cruises with fellow group members.

Closing Ritual and Poetic Reflection

The episode concludes with Kevin suggesting a ritual of hanging a blue ornament on the Christmas tree to acknowledge sadness during the holidays. The hosts share Jan Richardson's 'Blessing for the Brokenhearted' poem, which explores themes of love, grief, and resilience.

Kevin 

Hey everyone, welcome back to another episode of "Coping". Today we're going to center around a powerful theme that speaks to many during this time of year. 

Kathy 

Yes, today we're going to be talking about the idea of a blue Christmas, and this acknowledges that while the holiday season is often portrayed as joyful and celebratory, for many it's a time of deep sorrow, reflection, and longing. 

Kevin 

All right, let's get started. 

Kevin 

So this concept of a blue Christmas reminds us that it's okay not to feel cheerful during the holidays, whether you've experienced a recent loss or a major life change this last year, or you just simply find yourself struggling. The idea of blue Christmas creates space for all of those feelings to exist without judgment.

And I would even say to coexist that you can feel both joy and sadness in this time of year. What do you think about that, Kathy? 

Kathy 

Yes. I think that we often associate it with Elvis Presley's famous song, but the significance of this of course goes deeper and is felt more strongly depending on what your circumstances are. Churches and communities sometimes hold blue Christmas services as a way to honor grief and create a sacred space for those who need it. 

Kevin 

Yeah, and you know, whether you are part of a faith community or have your own faith practices at home, these types of rituals often feature quiet reflection, soft lighting, and even specific practices that can validate feelings of sadness, but are intended to offer some hope and comfort in that sense of community and in those rituals that are offered.

And again, they just remind us that grief and joy can coexist. And I think this is an often misconception of grief in general, that the experience of grief happens only one stage at a time, it's like it's a linear experience. And those of you that have been through grief know that the reality is you can feel many emotions within one day and within one moment even.

And so this time of year can bring up all of those emotions, perhaps not just joy, perhaps not just sadness, but a good mix of both. 

Kathy 

You know, we talk about a season that's supposed to be merry and bright. But like you mentioned, sometimes there's a mix of different things that occur in happy or celebratory times for us. It's that bittersweet that we talk about. Have you ever had a blue Christmas? 

Kevin 

That's such a good question. I don't think that there is one year in particular that was more blue than others. Well, you know, actually, now that I think of it, I think 2020 is perhaps the pinnacle blue Christmas for me. 

Kathy 

Sure, sure.

Kevin 

At that time, I was working as a bedside chaplain at a hospital that was overrun with Covid, like many were.

And it was the first year that I felt like it wasn't Christmas, that the season really had no meaning. And I felt disconnected from some of the decorations I saw up and around, some of the attire that folks were wearing, like Christmas hats and red.

It just felt so far from the reality of what I was experiencing each day that I didn't know how to feel merry and bright and filled with joy and celebration in that year. And so I think that was the year that was a blue Christmas because it was like a non-existent Christmas. The spirit of the season was just so absent for me. What about for you? 

Kathy 

I don't know if I could think of an actual blue Christmas, but there have definitely been Christmases that have been hard and heavy for certain, where it didn't feel like that everything, it didn't match the moment of what the season is supposed to be. But I mean, I think the truth of the true story of Christmas is also the same.

We just have commercialized it to, with the Hallmark movies and all of the trappings of Christmas, especially here in this country, which is why it's not my favorite holiday, admittedly. It's why I like Thanksgiving because it's back to the --Thanksgiving focuses more on gratitude and family and meaningful things. And so-- 

Kevin 

You bring up such a great point about how, you know, if you're listening today and you don't have a specific loss that you've had this year or perhaps you can't even think of a major loss in your life, a blue Christmas can still be an experience that you're you're having and it may just be all of those little losses that we carry with us in our lives and the hardships that shape us through year after year and perhaps you're not even sure why you feel a little bit of that tinge of sadness and the invitation from this idea of blue Christmas isn't to to invite all of those authentic feelings that you're feeling this time of year and allow whatever color your spirit is right now that it's okay to feel those feelings in the midst of seeing decorations go up and celebrations go up that we each have to create space for that blue or create space for whatever other color our spirit is this season 

Kathy 

Yes, exactly. And there are some wonderful resources that can help guide us through the process of navigating grief through the holidays. The first resource we'd like to highlight is Holiday Grief Support with David Kessler. And some of you may know David is one of the world's foremost experts on grief.

His free holiday sessions offer practical strategies to help you honor your loved ones and find meaning during this challenging time. 

Kevin 

So, David Kessler is a resource that we reference a lot here on this podcast, and I think what's really special about David's work and his approach is that he focuses on finding a balance between grief that is real and present, but also the season that calls for celebration. And he talks about creating new traditions that can honor the past while also embracing the present and still what is to come.

And so I just endorse this holiday grief support group and resources that David Kessler and his team offers. And there's a second resource that is also really beneficial any time of year, but especially now. There's a grief support group called Grief Share, and they have a specific gathering and resources called Surviving the Holidays.

Again, recognizing this idea that the holidays can be merry and bright, but also filled with sadness. And so their program offers workshops. They also have some specifically designed steps that you can take, strategies to navigate all of the complexities of the season and all the emotions that come. 

Kathy 

Yes, I've known quite a few people who have benefited from Grief Share in our community. Two of the things that -- two of their offerings that are particularly important: one is that they do offer seasonal holiday "coping with the holiday" type workshops, which I think is the importance of planning ahead for when you might be missing your loved one or you're facing a loss, whatever that may be.

And then the second thing about Grief Share is that they exist with ongoing groups. And I personally know someone who lost their wife and grief share literally saved his life because he's able to connect with this community. Last I heard he was going on a cruise with his Grief Share people. So it just really was a place for him to find connection and hope again. So we highly recommend Grief Share. 

Kevin 

And before we close today, we have a little bit of a homework assignment for you all. If you want to create space for a blue Christmas, I want to encourage you to hang a blue ornament on your Christmas tree somewhere. Whether it's front and center, whether it's off to the side, or just in the background that's at the top or towards the bottom, you find wherever the placement feels right.

We want this ritual of hanging a blue ornament to symbolize you creating space for sadness this time of year. 

Kathy 

Before we close, we want to share a beautiful reflection that ties into the theme of A Blue Christmas. It's Jan Richardson's "Blessing for the Broken-Hearted" poem, which offers a powerful message about the resilience of love and grief. 

Kevin 

"A Blessing for the Broken-Hearted: by Jan Richardson. Let us agree for now that we will not say the breaking makes us stronger, or that it is better to have this pain than to have done without this love. Let us promise we will not tell ourselves time will heal the wound when every day our waking opens it anew.

Perhaps, for now, it can be enough to simply marvel at the mystery of how a heart so broken can go on beating, as if it were made for precisely this, as if it knows the only cure for love is more of it, as if it sees the heart's sole remedy for breaking is to love still, as if it trusts that its own persistent pulse is the rhythm of a blessing we cannot begin to fathom, but will save us nonetheless. Amen.