Does My Story Matter?

Kathy and Kevin discuss overcoming common blocks people face in sharing their personal stories and why every human story matters. They address common myths that our stories are boring or unimportant, fears of revisiting the past or reactions from others, and the healing power of vulnerability in finding connection and give listeners advice about why each story matters and how to start small by sharing with trusted individuals to begin integrating past and present into an evolving narrative arc.

Author Leslie Carcamo discusses the transformative power of writing her memoir, “Walking in Healing”.

Kevin: Hi everyone. Welcome back to another episode of "Coping".

Kathy: Yes, welcome everyone. Today we want to finish up our story theme as we dive into asking the question, "Does your story matter?"

Kevin: "Does our story matter?" That's a great question. Let's get started.

Kathy: So In our Story Journey this year we are learning about our story myths, origin stories and now writing our stories. So as every author knows, you know, we have to wrestle with what we call writer's block. And whether you're writing your story or telling your life story, there are these blocks that arise. So we know that there are around three reasons why we experience blocks and sharing our own stories, but really at the core is this question we're diving in today: Does my story matter? 

Kevin: Yeah, it's a really great question. In my work as a chaplain spending time with patients in a hospital setting, most of the work that I do centers around meaning-making which happens through conversation and delving into patient stories, their experience both before being diagnosed and now with a new onset illness or medical crisis that's going on in their life and Sometimes patients will conclude sharing their story by saying something like, "Well I know that others have it way worse than I do" or they'll say something like, "Well, I don't want to bore you with my story." So it's interesting. There are these blocks in sharing our own story and that question arising, "does my story matter and what is it mean in comparison to other people's stories who perhaps have it worse than I do or have different experiences than I do? What value does my story have? And why should I share my story with other people?"

Kathy: Yes, I've heard all of those. And I've experienced that as well. I know that when I was younger, I would say, like, high school and college years, I thought my life story was super boring. I didn't have any drama or crisis, you know, I was basically the good girl. So I thought that was very uninteresting and nobody would care to hear that story. Yeah, I just thought, "who wants to hear my story? My story doesn't really matter."

Kevin: Right. And of course, I know most of your story you describe yourself as the good girl growing up but then life happened. Do you mind sharing a little bit more about how your life and story unfolded? 

Kathy: Yes, so some of our listeners already know that in my late 30s that we experienced a family crisis and I think of course it wasn't boring any longer I couldn't say that but I was I'll admit that I was ashamed to tell my story for probably about 10 years because there was a lot of judgment from different places about my situation and my choices and I would say maybe within the last seven years -- which is very recent -- I have embraced my story and integrated into the person that you know me to be now. 

Kevin: Mm-hmm. Yeah that integration piece is such an important part of processing our stories making sense of the things that have happened to us and then finding a pathway forward right? It's a journey, as you said. Yeah so I know that you are in the middle of a Journey with a group of students who are exploring their stories writing their stories tell us a little bit about what you're learning in that group and some of the lessons that we can learn about the types of story blocks that we all can experience. 

Kathy: Yes it's an amazing Journey and it hasn't been easy just like our lives right? The book we have chosen is Leslie Leyland Fields' "Your Story Matters" and in that, because she's an author and writer herself and a writing coach, she talks about the obstacles like the writing blocks to sharing your story and the first one she talks about is the one I mentioned earlier about me that I experienced and it's the one that says "my life is uninteresting". My story doesn't matter because my life is uninteresting. And while that might be factually true, let's say you are, in your estimation, leading a boring or uninteresting life, one thing to remember is that all of our stories are human stories. So that means that someone out there can always benefit from your story.

Kevin: 

And say a little bit more about that. Why is it that somebody else can benefit from that?

Kathy: So in our class, for example, we had a writing prompt called, "How I Got to School Every Day". And when I proposed this, they were like, that's a one word answer, Kathy: , how I got to school every day. I was like, "okay, well tell the stories surrounding how you got to school when you were younger." Oh my goodness, it opened up so much rich storytelling. and connecting where people would say, "oh, I took the bus too, but my bus ride was different" or "I walked to school too". We all connected around how we got to school. It was amazing.

Kevin: Yeah, so what you're saying basically is that because our stories are human, it creates a opportunity for connection because we're all human and sharing our story creates that human connection. That's awesome. I know you've shared with me about some of these other blocks and that second block that we can experience in sharing our own story is the fear of the past. So basically this is the fear where somebody could say something like, "I don't want my past to define me. I'm moving forward. I wanna focus on the future. And I don't know how to reconcile my past with my present and where I'm headed with my future." This is one that I've definitely wrestled with in my life. 

Having come through a lot of hardship and overcome a lot in my life. A lot of people that I encounter in my life now can't make sense of my past and where I've come from and the story that somebody like me failed my senior year of high school and was a terrible student. So I've had to do a lot of work in my life to reconcile where I've come from to where I am today and make sense of what I've overcome to be able to articulate that to others and sharing my story, but then also for myself that it feels like two different lives that I've lived. 

Kathy: And how would you say that what were some of the things you did to overcome the fear that your past could define you or that people would not understand? They couldn't reconcile the two.

Kevin: I think I had to get honest with myself about what the purpose of telling my story was. I think for a while, I would share my past struggles as a way to get sympathy and empathy, as a way to help bring some soothing to the pain that I had. And then as I got older, I think I started to share parts of my story so that people would be impressed with me. And I think I'm still working on that now as I continue to get older and evolve and recognize that as I share my story, perhaps the most powerful thing I can do in sharing my story is share it so there's that connection that we just talked about earlier, so that parts of my story can encourage and empower somebody who may have some similar experience that I do. So the story is mine, but it's no longer about me.

Kathy: That's excellent advice, and thanks for sharing that. It reminds me of something that Leslie Fields says is that we can never be the hero or heroine of our own stories. And I thought that was very interesting. And what she means by that is that our stories are meant to serve the world. If our motive or our time is spent trying to win people of our story or to show all the things that we've overcome instead of figuring out what are the truths and lessons that we can pass on to others as a result, then we then take ourselves out of the main character role and that's when we actually find connection. 

Kevin: Yeah, exactly.

Kathy: And so that brings us to our third block, which is very related to the last one, is "I'm afraid of telling the truth". Now that's not, you might be afraid of telling the truth, but regarding your story, it could be that you don't want to share your story because you're afraid of what friends or family members are going to say. You wanna stay in relationships. You don't want to disconnect as a result of sharing your story. And this is a very valid block. And the way that you can work through this, if this is yours, is to find a trusted person or group to share your true story. And if you are wanting to write like a memoir, you can always change names or change the events a bit or even ask their permission if that's an option for you. But regardless of how and when you share it, it is the act of sharing your truth that is most important. What do you think about that?

Kevin: Yeah, I think that that's such good advice. And perhaps the only thing to add here is to start small with sharing your story. Start with telling that one trusted friend. Start with telling your therapist, whatever therapeutic relationship you find yourself in. Go find a therapist if you don't have one. And then maybe you're in a small group and you wanna share that with a group of trusted peers. And then you go from there. So it's so important that you're telling your story somewhere that you can be seen and heard somewhere and see where that story and that journey of telling your story takes you. 

Kathy: For sure. One of our favorite life coach, spiritual coaches, Iyanla Vanzant says, “when you share your story, you heal yourself and you heal others.”

Kevin: Yeah, that's so good.

Kathy: And that is the crux of why your story matters. 

Kevin: Yeah, yeah. And so to sum up our episode today, your story does matter. It's important that you share your story. If you find yourself running into some blocks, it may be one of these three: that your story feels uninteresting, that you don't really want to revisit the past because you're focusing on the future, or that you're worried about telling your truth because of how it may impact your relationships around you. I just want to encourage you, if you're facing any of these three blocks, that your story does matter. There is somebody that could benefit from hearing what you've been through and how you've overcome, and so share your story with somebody that you trust and see where that journey of telling your story might take you. 

Kathy: Yes, for sure. To end our podcast today, we're going to hear a story from one of our Be Well community members, Leslie Carcamo. I am interviewing her on her new memoir, "Walking in Healing". Leslie's book is available on Amazon. 

Kevin: Yes, let's listen now. As we end, whatever it is you may be coping with, blessings to you.

Kathy: Welcome, Leslie. My first question is, what prompted you to write your memoir, your own story?

Leslie: Well, I love to write. I just, growing up, I didn't know what exactly. I started when I was younger, like just writing in my journal because I did not know how to express myself. So the only way I could do it is through journaling. And then I discovered later on that I just love writing. I wanted to write a devotional because I felt like devotionals are so pretty. And so, you know, just something that I could write about God and not about me. But then once I started writing, the only thing I could write is my story and then God began to work there, so.

Kathy: Okay, well you mentioned one obstacle already of wanting to write your own story. What other obstacles did you face in this project? 

Leslie: For sure, fear of a lot of things, but one thing that, because I started writing a few years ago, but I got stuck in the fear of being vulnerable. I felt that it was too much or too out there, and I just was thinking of "what if people say this" or like just focusing on that and I just didn't know how to be vulnerable. 

Kathy: And then how did you overcome that? It gets stuck there, right? We're like, oh, nobody cares about this or people are going to judge me or I'm telling too much. It's TMI.

Leslie: I remember one day in particular that I was just wanting to write and then so I got it again and now I just kept writing and at that very moment God began to heal some of the things that I was writing and I realized that I was being healed while I was writing and I wanted to experience that and help someone else experience that. I knew that the smallest thing people can relate to so I felt like if I just write this and one person can relate then it'll be worth it. You know I'll write about my life and about healing but the healing part of writing this book was another level.