Grief Labeling: Naming vs. Shaming

In this episode of "Coping," Kevin and Kathy delve into the concept of labeling emotions productively and destructively in the context of grief. They introduce a helpful tool, the Feelings Wheel, to aid in identifying and expressing emotions, which can help you to explore and acknowledge feelings related to grief.

Kathy: Welcome back for another episode of “Coping”.

Kevin: Last episode, we talked about ways we can begin to get our grief out, and we talked about the method of linking, linking our losses and the way that our brain naturally does that. 

Kathy: Yes, if you recall, we discussed the benefits of linking as well as externalizing our inward grief. And in this episode, we're gonna talk about another way we can begin to get the grief out. 

Kevin: Recently, we purchased a gift for our daughter and that gift is a label maker. She's become so preoccupied with this label maker, assigning all the different things in her room, especially her desk area, making sure everything in her room is neat and tidy, and she knows exactly where it is because of these labels that she's making. So in today's episode, we're gonna discuss this idea of labeling and see how it relates to our grief. Let's get started. 

Kathy: Yes, so when we were thinking about ideas for our daughter's birthday, she had come across a vintage label maker at her work, and then became very interested in an idea of having one herself. So that's what she's been doing since she's gotten it, making labels and labeling everything like around her room and all of that. 

Kevin: That's right. And you may be like our daughter obsessed with cleaning and organizing and even own a label maker yourself. I guess the question really is, "how does labeling relate to our grief?" Well, let's start with the definition of labeling. 

Kevin: Labeling is the simple act of noticing and naming something. I'll say that again. Labeling is the simple act of noticing and naming something. So for example, our daughter, she labels a bunch of things in her office. Like what? What do you see her labeling? 

Kathy: So she's labeling boxes and just items so that she knows what's in different things and then creating labels for all of us to put on our things as well. 

Kevin: Exactly. So the label maker is making it easy for her to know at a glance where something is. She knows what it is. She can notice it, name it and grab it right away.

Kathy: Right, exactly. I have a question for you. Do you think labeling is always helpful?

Kevin: You know, when it comes down to it, I think there's really two types of labeling. First, there's this productive labeling, which we'll call "naming", where you're naming something. This is pretty common in talk therapy where you're encouraged to name the emotions that you're having by noticing them and naming them and helps you get some. control back over those emotions perhaps, but there's also a destructive labeling and we'll call that "shaming." 

Kevin: So the biggest difference between naming and shaming is its effect on us and how we're using what we're labeling. So destructive labeling or shaming, Webster's dictionary says it's "assigning something to a category, especially inaccurately or restrictively." So this kind of labeling leads to prejudice and marginalization of entire groups of people, where we're using the labeling as a way to marginalize people. This is really like the root of racism, sexism, any anti-LGBTQIA views. It's really at its core, naming something or a people group as a way to shame and to "other" them. This shaming as it relates to grief is called grief shaming. 

Kevin: Grief shaming is the act of blaming, minimizing, or judging one's expression of grief. And this is pretty common in society. We've all heard this or experienced this in some way, but let's take some time to break it down a little bit.

Kathy: I know we've all experienced some of these moments and phrases of grief shaming. Some of them sound like, "well, you weren't even married." "I thought you'd be over it by now." "Miscarriages happen all the time" and "you're still wearing your wedding ring." "Why are you so upset? You didn't even get along with your mom." Or simply grief shaming of silent treatment when a statement is made and there's dead silence. 

Kevin: What you can see from these phrases, not only does somebody who's grieving have the difficulty of the loss and the grief experience, they also have on top of that the negative experiences of others' negativity and comments or distance that can build their experience of shame and grief being harder than just the actual experience itself.

Kathy: Right. 

Kevin: What I think it's also important to name here is that grief -shaming can also be initiated by us, that we shame ourself in the midst of our own grief, that we judge and blame and criticize ourselves for our experience of grief. Now, self -shaming is the act of blaming, minimizing, or judging one's self -expression of grief. So, you can take those same phrases that somebody's directing at you externally, and you can externalize those things and say things like, "why do I still feel this way?" "I just need to move on. We weren't even that close. Why am I sad that they're gone? Wait, am I sad enough?" Or "others had it way worse than me." My grief is nothing in comparison to what they've been through. 

Kevin: That type of labeling, it can be unproductive and really stunt your healing experience. You're placing this judgment and criticism on it, which really can stunt it and prevent it from being processed, as we've discussed in other episodes. 

Kathy: Yeah, both seem to be a cutoff, a cutting off of either you're being cut off by someone or you're cutting yourself off, not allowing yourself to process or have the feelings. You're not giving, there's no permission. 

Kevin: Yeah, it leads to unresolved grief symptoms in the body, in the mind, the heart, and the spirit. 

Kathy: Right. So when it comes to loss, what's the other side of this? What does productive labeling look like? 

Kevin: So one way we can productively label is by naming our feelings. Like I said before, naming feelings is something that we learn in therapeutic relationships where we're called to notice how we're feeling, how something made us feel, reflect on it, and name the emotion attached to it. 

Kevin: This term in psychology is referred to as affect labeling. In other words, putting feelings into words. Studies have shown that affect labeling reduces activity in our brain's amygdala. That's the part of the brain that has that fight or flight response. It really helps lessen the intensity of any experience, especially as it relates to grief. There's this one psychologist, Dr. Matthew Lieberman. He's a professor, but also an author of a book called, "Social: Why Our Brains Are Wired to Connect". 

Kevin: He says, “putting negative feelings into words can help regulate negative experiences. In other words, naming our feelings won't put the brakes on that emotion, but will help us get into the driver's seat of the experience.” I love that quote. So good.

Kathy: It's very helpful. But I know as an introvert that I always have a hard time naming my feelings. So that all sounds excellent, but for most of us, I think that we don't know how to access that tool of naming our feelings. Do you have any tools or strategies?

Kevin: Yeah, I think that's a good point. I think whether you're introverted and you're not really sure what you're feeling, because the emotions are so intense. For extroverts like I am, sometimes you're feeling so many different things you can't quite pin down one feeling. You feel like you're feeling all of the feelings all at once. And so in our workshops we have used a tool called a Feelings Wheel. It's been such a helpful tool for us in our own individual lives, but also in the times that we've taught on the Feelings Wheel to help you articulate the specific emotion that you're having and then describe for yourself how you're feeling, but then also use that language to connect with other people to name how you're feeling.

Kathy: Yeah, this Feelings Wheel is fantastic. It really helps. You go from that -- you start in the center and it will give you some main feelings and then you can work your way outward to identify more specifically what you're feeling and it really helps to name what we're talking about today, the feelings. 

Kevin: Yeah, exactly. And we've found this to be so helpful in our workshops. We want it to be a resource for all of you. So we're gonna put a link in the notes of the podcast so that you can get to it pretty easily but you can also just Google Feelings Wheel and I hope that it can be as useful of a resource to you as it has been for us.

Kathy: Yeah, that would be excellent.

Kevin: Yeah. All right, so let me just give a summary of what we talked about so far: When we notice and name our feelings, we connect our head, our thinking selves with our heart, our feeling selves. And this language, the naming of our feelings, the productive labeling, gives us language that allows us to articulate our experience to ourselves, but also to others. But most importantly, it gives us language to affirm the experience that we're having. When we can see the words on the page that describe exactly how we're feeling, it can be a very affirming experience. 

Kathy: Thanks, Kevin. This is super helpful. So to end this episode, we wanted to give you some time right now to think through your feelings as related to your grief. So would you pause with me a moment? Take a few moments to pause. 

Kathy: And I want you to narrow in on one particular loss for this exercise. Which loss is most prominent for you right now? in your life. I want you to begin to think now how it makes you feel. Why is the loss so heavy for you? Does the loss make you feel sad, angry, fearful? Sit with your loss for a moment and think about the main feelings that arise for you. you It's okay to have more than one feeling as you think on this loss. 

Kathy: Finally, give yourself permission to sit with the loss and the feelings that come up for you. you. If you need extra support and help with this process, feel free to reach out to us at Be Well, and most of all know that you're not alone. Thanks so much for joining us for this conversation, and whatever you may be coping with today, blessings to you.