Grief & Linking our Losses

In this episode of "Coping," Kevin and Kathy explore the concept of linking in the context of grief. They discuss how our brains are wired to remember pain and link losses, and provide a helpful exercise for listeners to visualize and understand the interconnectedness of their losses.

Kevin: Hi, everyone. Welcome back to another episode of Coping. 

Kathy: Yes. Welcome, everyone. Last episode we talked about the ways we can begin to get the grief out. 

Kevin: Yeah, that's right. So we discussed the benefits of list making and how externalizing our inward grief is a part of processing our grief and working through it. In this episode, we're going to go a little bit deeper and talk about another way to begin to get that reef out. And I think a good way to start is with a fun little game. If you'll play along with me, Kathy. 

Kathy: As long as you don't keep the score, you're pretty competitive.

Kevin: Alright, no scorekeeping. But let's play a little game. So I'm going to say a word, and I want you to say the first word that comes to mind. It's like an association game, okay? 

Kathy: Okay. 

Kevin: All right, the first word is tea. 

Kathy: Scones.

Kevin: Good. Alright. Movies. 

Kathy: Popcorn.

Kevin: There you go. Beach.

Kathy: Shade. 

Kevin: Shade. There you go. 

Kathy: Let me try. How about San Francisco? 

Kevin: Oh, trolley. 

Kathy: So I'm assuming that this fun game has something to do with grief and what we're learning about this week.

Kevin: That's right. We're going to talk about how our brains are wired to link, and we'll talk about that. 

Kathy: All right, let's get started. So you mentioned that there's another process we can use to begin to get the grief out. Can you explain? 

Kevin: Yeah. So this process is called linking. Remember last time we listed our losses? This time we're going to take some time to learn to link those losses and see how our brain is storing those memories. So the next L of loss is Linking. 

Kevin: When we talk about our brains, we have to remember that every experience we have leaves its mark on our brain. So when we learn something new, the neurons involved in that learning episode grow new projections and form new links in our brain. These links allow for learning and memory and other complex functions of the brain. 

Kevin: So that leads us to our first principle, which is that our brains link on a cellular level. And this is especially true during difficult experiences. A recent study suggests that our brains recall bad memories more readily and with more clarity than good memories. And I think we all know this to be true in our lives, that we can easily recall those difficult days more than we can recall the good day that we had yesterday. Right?

Kathy: Right.

Kevin: And researchers say that this tendency has evolved as an evolutionary tactic to protect us against other future life threatening or negative events. So what we learn here is that repetition reinforces remembrance. So I guess that's like our second principle, which is that our brains learn through repetition. So if our brains are linking on a cellular level, our brains are also learning through repetition. 

Kathy: So I have a question. What about grief? What happens when the memory itself is what causes the pain? 

Kevin: Yeah, exactly. That's such a great question. Repetition is great when we're learning a new skill, right? If you're shooting free throws, you keep shooting again and again and again to try to learn that perfect repetition, that perfect flow, the stance, the way that the ball sits on the palm of your hand. Practice is so necessary, for when you're learning a new skill. Why doesn't it follow, then, that the more we experience loss, the easier grief gets? Right. If our brain learns through repetition, you would think that the more you lose, the better you get at grief, right? 

Kevin: And that's just not the way that grief works. And I think the answer to that lies in this third principle here and that's that our brains are wired to remember pain. So like when you burn yourself when you're cooking, you're like, oh ouch, that pan gets hot. I have to remember next time when I'm cooking with this pan, the handle will get hot. I need to be careful about that. And so experiencing loss and pain actually strengthens the brain's neural pathways, which essentially links every new loss to every previous loss we've ever experienced. 

Kevin: So our brains are quite literally linking our losses. That's our fourth principle here: Our brains are linking our losses. 

Kathy: That makes complete sense. Even if as I think about how I remember things that are very painful and how they remind me of other times that are painful and if someone talks about something, it will trigger a memory of that. So I'm wondering, how do you recommend that our listeners engage in this linking practice?

Kevin: Yeah, that's really good. I think there's two things. One is just remembering when you're experiencing a new loss and you feel like the experience of that loss is way harder than what the event may call for, your brain is likely linking this loss to other previous losses. 

Kevin: So those of you that have had the terrible experience of being in a car accident may have felt, felt some other memories from your childhood or other losses. Breakups, broken relationships, those memories arise in those difficult experiences. And that's because that newer trauma can bring up experiences of past traumas and past losses. And so just the awareness that what you're facing today may feel heavier and harder than what it actually is, and that's okay. 

Kevin: And it's an opportunity to tend to what you need in that moment through that experience, but also the other pains that you've experienced in your life. So just being aware that your brain is naturally linking is probably a good first step. But there's also a spiritual practice that you can develop or an exercise that you can develop that will help you to show you visually the way that your brain is linking some of your losses. So those of you that participated in the listing exercise last time, if you want to grab that list out or listen to that episode and create a list of losses, you can build on that exercise, in this new exercise. 

Kevin: So as you're looking at that list of losses, what I would like you to do is to start thinking about the ways in which the list of losses are interconnected. That process may be natural for you where you begin to draw those connections quite easily and readily. 

Kevin: If you feel like you're struggling to think about how those list of what feels like random losses are connected, I want you to choose one big loss on that list of losses. Whether it's one of the biggest losses in your life or one of the most recent losses in your life, start there. 

Kevin: Write that word down in the middle of a blank piece of paper, and as you look at that word, start to. The other little losses that have come as a result of that big loss, and write those words smaller around that word that's in the middle of your page. 

Kevin: What will begin to develop here is a flowchart. What you can focus on is the size of the words that you're writing. The really big losses use a bigger font. Some of the other little losses, you can write them in a smaller font. You can start to connect them one by one, using lines or circles. However that starts to play out in your brain, start to make sense of it. Whatever that looks like for you and your experience, get creative with it. 

Kevin: There's no right or wrong way to do this, but what you should see by the end of it is a pretty messy page of losses that are interconnected by lines and shapes. And hopefully it begins to look on the page a little bit, like it feels in your brain and in your heart. 

Kathy: Thanks, Kevin. That was a very helpful activity. We just want to say if you're needing extra support and help through your grief, feel free to reach out to us and whatever else you may be coping with, blessings to you.