Symptoms of Grief

This episode of “Coping” explores the multifaceted nature of grief, affecting a person physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually. It highlights the diverse ways people experience and express grief, and the importance of empathy, support systems to allow individuals to grieve in their own unique manner. Hear from Brian, a Be Well Resources community as he shares how he found solace in his faith after losing his wife unexpectedly.

Kevin: Hey, everyone. Welcome back to another episode of Coping. 

Kathy: We're going to be continuing our series on grief and loss.

Kevin: That's right. Grief is a big and complicated topic. But I want to talk a little bit today about the symptoms of grief. That is, like, what grief looks like, what it feels like, so we can be aware of what grief is and be aware of when we're grieving. 

Kathy: All right, let's get started.

Kathy: The question that I'm often asked is, is there a connection between, like, what's going on in my body, physical symptoms, and grief and loss? What do you think about that?

Kevin: Absolutely. Grief is something that permeates every part of who we are. It is something that touches not just our emotions, which is our common understanding about grief, that it's an emotional thing. But grief transcends our emotions and impacts, as you asked, our physical body. There's physical symptoms of grief, but we also grieve in our minds. It affects our thoughts and the way that our brain functions. It actually changes the actual structure of our brains, but it also affects our spirit too, which is why grief often feels so hard and so overwhelming. It's touching every part of who we are, part of every part of our identity. 

Kathy: So you're saying that each part of who we are grieves?

Kevin: Yeah. Basically. When we think about who we are as individuals, don't often think about ourselves as separate parts. But let me talk about the four major parts of who we are and what makes up our identity. 

Kevin: First is our physical body. We live in a very. Physical centered world. Everything is very tangible and concrete. We like to live in a world that we can see, we can touch. That is reality. And that's the physical body. Then there's this part of ourselves that is the mental body. It is our brain. The way that we think and process and to use discernment and make decisions and solve problems. That's our thinking part of ourselves. And then there's the emotional side of ourselves where we are impacted by the things that happen, the things that we see. We feel a certain way about the experiences that we have. We think about sadness and fear, two major emotions related to grief. 

Kevin: So that's our emotional selves and then we have our spiritual selves. And that spiritual self is the part of us that is transcendent, that thinks about the big picture, that thinks about things that are bigger than ourselves, has the ability to aspire to great things or want to feel connected to a higher power, to the divine. So we have these four parts of ourselves the physical, the mental, the emotional and the spiritual. And so when we grieve, we grieve in each part of who we are. Each part of our identity experiences grief in different and complex ways. 

Kathy: So can you take us through each part and explain the different symptoms?

Kevin: Yeah. Why don't we do that? So when we think about grief in the physical body normal signs of body grieving include acute pain, especially, like, in the back and the stomach and the neck, disordered eating. So whether you start eating too much or not enough or forgetting to eat altogether dizziness, extreme fatigue. Headaches, nausea, any mixed up sleep cycles, whether you're sleeping too much, too long or not enough. And finally, sensitivity to light. These are some of the main physical symptoms that come up. And then there's heart grieving; grieving in your emotions. So normal signs of heart grieving include feelings of anger, anxiety, depression, fear, guilt, numbness, panic, sadness and shock. Those are some of the main emotions that come up with folks who are grieving. And they're all normal signs of a grieving heart. And then there's the signs of a grieving mind cycling thoughts, foggy mind, lack of concentration, rumination, and a scattered brain. 

Kevin: And these are all very normal characteristics of somebody who's grieving. And then finally, normal signs of grieving in one's spirit include difficulty praying and meditating distant from God or higher power, despair, doubt, hopelessness, and a sense that life is meaningless. 

Kathy: Wow, that's a lot. If we grieve, then in all four parts of ourselves, is it possible that one part may present itself as more dominant? Like, for example, your physical symptoms of grief can dominate? 

Kevin: Yeah, that's such a great question. Exactly. Noticing our specific grief symptoms can help us identify which part of ourselves is grieving. And it is true that sometimes one part of ourself is more dominant than the other, that we lean into one part of our identity for grieving.  So we all know those folks who, when they. Are going through a hard time, are trying to figure out what happened, why it happened, what they could have done differently. Those folks are often the thinkers leaning more dominantly into their thinking self. 

Kevin: Then we know those folks who are very emotional, who may be crying a lot, expressing a lot of emotion. We most often attribute this kind of behavior to lament like a public mourning, allowing their emotions to be seen. And then we have those who are spiritually dominant. And these folks are the ones that hyper-spiritualize their grief and their loss and try to make sense of it in light of their faith, belief system, asking, where is God? What is God doing through this? Why would a good God allow this bad thing to happen? And then there's those that feel their grief most dominantly in their bodies, that they feel the aches and pains of the loss. We know about the broken hearted syndrome that one of the main valves in the heart actually shrinks when someone is grieving. Aches and pains in the stomach, headache, feeling really tired, all those sorts of symptoms occur in the physical body. And so when we pay attention to our grief symptoms and recognize which part of our self we're grieving with, it helps us better able to attend to our grief. That is, we can begin processing our grief, transforming it from grief. That is the experience that happened into grieving. That is where we are empowered and where we move forward after the experience and begin again. 

Kathy: Thank you so much, Kevin. It was very, very timely and excellent. And I know that our listeners will benefit greatly from this conversation.

Kevin: Yeah. When you think about the four parts of ourselves, when you've grieved, which part of yourself do you feel like is most dominant? 

Kathy: I think that it appears for me in my mind. I'm a deep thinker, and so attempting to replay conversations or events or the cycling of thoughts, scattered brain, not being able to focus, focus, I think, is a huge sign of a grieving mind. So I definitely would think that it appears most in my mind. And then the reason I know that too, is not being able to shut off my mind. If I go to sleep, when I lay down to sleep, then that's where it's appearing. 

Kevin: Yeah. I also have seen you, like, when a tragedy happens right away, whether it's national news or in our own life, the first thing I see you doing is jumping online, finding a new story, trying to read up about it, gather all the information about it that you possibly can. All signs of a grieving mind. Thank you, Kathy, for sharing. And the way that I want to end our episode today is to share a conversation that I had with one of our community members, Brian Jepsen. He had a pretty significant loss in his life just a few years ago, and I sat down with him for a conversation where he shared with me about that loss and about how his grief symptoms showed up for him. So let's listen to that now.

Kevin: Well, Brian, thank you so much for joining me today. I'm so glad to have you here with me. And thank you for your willingness to share with me a little bit about your story. 

Brian: Thanks. My pleasure.

Kevin: So, you know that the topic that we're discussing this week is on grief. Can you share a little bit about your experience of grief and how it showed up for you and your life?

Brian: Yeah, a little bit of background. I lost my wife of almost ten years unexpectedly and suddenly a little over three years ago. And that was it was a shock. It was something I wasn't prepared for, and it changed who I am, and really, that change occurred slowly, but I think it turned out to be a rich experience. And I started kind of the journey with shock, to be honest, a feeling of nothingness. I was surprised. I couldn't understand why I wasn't more emotional. I was emotional, but it would pass quickly, and it was just it manifested itself in little pockets. And that happened for probably a couple of months, and then I entered a period of just severe depression. The bottom fell out. That was a scary time and a lot of changes. I felt exhausted, fatigued. I felt sick a lot. You know, had some some times I contemplated some pretty pretty destructive things. Yeah. And those were hard months.

Kevin: And in those dark times, how did you reach out for help? What kind of support did you have in place? Where did you seek out the light?

Brian: I didn't have a lot of support in place. Elizabeth and I were homebodies. We didn't do a lot. We didn't have a ton of friends. We weren't real social people. I had my work friends. They were helpful. What I had to rely on was the the enduring lessons that my parents had taught me about God and my faith. I have mixed feelings about some of the ways that I was reared. Very conservative household. But one thing that became very clear to me throughout this was that my parents had instilled in me this idea that when things fall apart, you must rely on your faith. And that's what I did.

Brian: I think the turning point for me in all of this was a friend of mine sent me a book called Heaven, and it was all about heaven. The premise was we spend so much time, or ministers spend so much time in seminary going over these hardcore, doctrinal philosophical concepts, but don't spend a lot on the concept of heaven. And so this book was a study of heaven, and it brought me the first little ray of hope throughout that time that I had seen. And I grasped it, and I've been grasping it and moving forward with that faith journey ever since.

Kevin: What advice do you have for those that may be dealing with their own loss that may be currently grieving right now? What advice do you have for them?

Brian: That's a hard question, because the one thing that I can tell you about loss is that I don't know. I don't know how to bring comfort to other people. I don't know how to ease the pain. 

Kevin: Right. 

Brian: What I can tell you is I believe strongly that we'll see our loved ones again. And that is the one thing that propels me through life to this day, is the fact that I know I'll see Elizabeth again. And if it wasn't for that, I'm not sure that I'd be able to make it. And so it's that hope.

Kevin: Well, Brian, thank you so much for sharing your story with me. Thank you for your vulnerability in the way that you have described your loss. I appreciate your time today. Thank you. 

Brian: Thank you.