Myths of Grief

In this episode we talk about 4 common misconceptions about grief and explore the difference between grief & grieving. Listen in as we as we dive into this challenging topic. Whatever you may be coping with-- Blessings to you...

Kathy: Hi, everyone. Welcome to another episode of Coping. On today's episode, we're starting with this question that I want to ask you first. Kevin, having worked on the front lines of grief and loss the last couple years, what's one misconception that you have learned about grief and loss? 

Kevin: I think a very common misconception, and one that I believed myself was that other people have it way worse than me, so my grief doesn't matter. 

Kathy: Yes, that's one that I've heard as well. And on today's episode, we're going to be talking about other misconceptions about grief and loss. 

Kevin: Let's get started. 

Kathy: So as we begin our conversation, I think it's important that we begin to understand the relationship between grief and grieving, because it's the way we work through these two that are very different. Those are two different things. 

Kevin: Yes, absolutely. I'm actually in the middle of reading a new book out called The Grieving Brain, written by Mary Francis O'Connor. And in the very intro to the book, she says this you may have noticed that I use the terms of grief and grieving. 

Kevin: Although you hear them used interchangeably, I make an important distinction between them. On the one hand, there is grief, the intense emotion. That crash is over. You like a wave, completely overwhelming, unable to be ignored. Grief is a moment that recurs over and over. However, these moments are distinct from what I call grieving. The word I used to refer to the process, not the moment of grief. 

Kathy: Such a deep explanation of a very complicated process, but it's very accessible at the same time. 

Kevin: Absolutely. I love the distinction between the two, that there's a difference between the experience of loss, the grief that to us, the moment, the event, and then how we participate in our grief. By grieving. By processing that grief. 

Kathy: Yes. And I think a lot of conversations I have with students around grief, which is that first definition is they don't understand that. And many of us didn't. I didn't. That loss comes in many forms. We often think, oh, it's the loved one, a divorce, but it's jobs, financial losses, pets, illnesses, and then something that we teach about ambiguous loss. 

Kevin: Yes, exactly. This term, ambiguous loss, coined by Pauline Boss, who uses this term ambiguous loss, to describe those other kinds of losses, the ones that we don't typically associate with grief and grieving and loss. And we like to say ambiguous loss is the kind of loss that doesn't have, like, a Hallmark section to send a card for condolences. Like, gosh, your car broke down and now you're having to it's in the shop. 

Kathy: Your car was totaled. Yeah, your car was totaled. It's not a car is totaled section of cards. My car was a loss last year. Nobody sent me a card for it. 

Kevin: Right. Right. Oh, your basement flooded because your pipe broke. My condolences. Sorry for your loss. There's just not a section. We don't typically associate grief to those kinds of losses, those kinds of life disruptions and challenges that we face. 

Kathy: And there are other misconceptions, not only about what losses, but then what we believe about grief and loss. So today we're going to discuss what we think are maybe the most four common myths. There are many more. We're just going to focus in on these myths today. So myth number one is my loss is small compared to others. 

Kevin: Yeah. So this is kind of what I just talked about in what I believed, that because other people have it way worse than me, somehow my grief doesn't matter or it's smaller, so I should be grieving less than somebody else. This is a myth because the reality is the worst kind of grief is your own. And we all have to deal with what we're going through in our own personal life. That creates the kind of empathy and compassion that connects us to other people in their losses. If we're only focusing on the losses that other people are dealing with and we're not dealing with our own, we don't know how to show up for them because we're not showing up for ourself. And so while perspective is helpful and gives us the ability to draw connections between our loss and other people's, that perspective should draw us to connect us to our grief and connect us to other people's grief and loss and create that sense of common humanity. But if it's the thing that's causing us to ignore our own grief or downplay our own grief, I think we're missing the mark on what the beauty of grief can be. 

Kathy: And that leads us to our next myth. Which is what? 

Kevin: Ignoring my grief will help it to lessen. 

Kathy: Right. And the analogy I often use, and this actually happened to me last year, was if the indicator warning lights, I had three going off on my car one afternoon after picking up kids. If I would chose to just ignore that and not go to the mechanic, how would the car be magically fixed? Right. So, same for grief. We think, oh, if we just ignore it, it will just go away. Um, but the truth is that unprocessed grief metastasizes and grows. 

Kevin: That's so true. I think a lot of people don't know what to do with their grief. And so they have witnessed other people in their family, their parents, people their age, just continue on with life and think that that's the way to go about soldier on. Just a soldier on. And to compartmentalize the grief. We don't have a lot of good models of grieving and not a lot of space to process that grief. And so we think that just ignoring it is a sign of strength and a sign of just pushing through and being tough. And I think this myth is exasperated by our next myth. And that myth is time heals all wounds. Meaning that if I just let enough time pass by, that I'm just going to get better magically. So I think ignoring it and thinking that time passing will make it better, kind of go together and feed each other and get people stuck in their grief. Wouldn't you agree?

Kathy: Yeah, definitely. Because the issue is that time doesn't heal all wounds, but grief changes as time goes on. Grief changes as time goes on as we do. So I guess that leads us to our fourth myth. And this is this one we have grappled with forever and that's that grief is linear and happens in stages. Can you talk about that one? Especially in regards to the famous book?

Kevin: Yeah. So Elizabeth Kubler Ross has this book, The Five Stages of Grief, where she describes the different experiences of grief. And one of the common misconceptions about the five stages of grief in particular is that they are stages that you go from one stage to the next. And the reality is, grief is not linear. You can go from one experience of grief to another and also be experiencing one experience of grief and another at the same exact time. And so Elizabeth Kubla Ross even described in one of her last books that it's one of her regrets of her work being misunderstood, that she never intended it to sound like they were stages that you moved through, you graduated through, on your way to acceptance, and instead that grief is much more like a roller coaster. And I often say that if you are one experience one day, another experience another day, or in one moment, you're feeling one thing and in the next moment you're feeling another, that's normal. And I'm most comfortable with folks who are moving through grief in that way. What's most concerning is if you get stuck in one experience of grief. So if you're feeling depressed all the time everywhere, or if you're feeling angry all the time everywhere, or you find yourself bargaining everywhere all the time, I'm more concerned about somebody who gets stuck in one experience of grief versus somebody who is kind of up and down all around in, like, a roller coaster type. 

Kathy: Well, thank you so much, Kevin. This has been an excellent discussion on grief and loss, and I know it's helped so many out there. So to end our time today, I wonder if you all can just pause and reflect with me for a few moments. If you'd like to grab a journal, you can take that time right now. Or if you just want to listen, that's all right, too. But right now, let's pause and reflect. Today we reviewed four myths of grief and loss. And I wonder which one of those resonates most with you today. 

Kathy: Myth number one my loss is small compared to others. My loss is small compared to others. Myth number two ignoring my grief will help it to lessen. Ignoring my grief will help it to lessen. Myth number three time heals all wounds. Time heals all wounds. And finally, myth number four grief is linear and happens in stages. Grief is linear and happens in stages. So I wonder which one resonates most with you as you have that one in your mind right now. I want you to ask yourself the second question. How will you notice this pattern of thinking this week? How will you notice this pattern of thinking this week? So please know that we are here to support you in your journey of grief, and we'd love for you to reach out if you need any support. So. Whatever you may be coping with. Blessings to you.