Defining "Coping"

How do you define coping? It's time to reframe our understanding of coping. Listen in as we provide a new framework for coping and detail how "coping well" relates to a life of significance. Enjoy!

Kevin: Well, welcome, everyone. I am so excited for this season three of "Coping". I'm excited to have Kathy here with me to be co hosting this season. Welcome, Kathy. 

Kathy: Thank you so much. 

Kevin:  So, as we begin episode one of season three, I think it's important that we kind of start at the very beginning, start with a definition of coping. As I looked into the word cope, I found that it's derived from the ancient Greek. It comes from this word. I'm probably going to mispronounce it. It's called colafos, which translates as a blow with the fist, which quite literally means a punch. So for our purposes, as we talk about coping, coping will be all about how we roll with the punches of life and how we learn to survive and even thrive when the hits just keep on coming. 

Kathy: Yay. So we're going to get to learn some boxing and how to put on our boxing gloves this season. 

Kevin: Yeah, pretty much. Put on boxing gloves and learn to keep our arms up. Yep. 

Kathy: That's great. And, you know, the reason we came upon season three was really reflected on the needs of our community and our world. As we think about the growing, rising rates of anxiety, mental health issues in the middle of pandemic, and still, in this very crazy and odd season of our world, we wanted to provide a space for practical tips, suggestions, questions, stories, and just more help, support and tools for the community. 

Kevin:  That's exactly it. So let's get started. So, as we get started, one of the really important things to say, and Kathy kind of alluded to this, the idea of coping mental health is on the front of our minds more than ever before. And I think it's important to acknowledge that this is a good thing, wouldn't you say, Kathy? This is a good thing that we're all mindful of the need to be coping hands down. 

Kathy: I would say one of the biggest blessings in disguise of COVID and Lockdown was that it shone a light on to mental health issues. So the stigma is lessening and for someone to say, oh, they're stressed out, like we all are stressed out, so it's not just another situation, we are all in this together. 

Kevin: Exactly. Yeah. So we have this word, coping that we're using now in a way that we weren't before. We understand when somebody says that they're feeling stressed out, having anxiety, these are now very common words and ideas that we use. Yeah. Acceptable. Exactly. There's not as much of a stigma as there was, I would say, even before COVID as it relates to seeking therapy and help. So this is a good thing. And so I think this podcast hopefully will be timely for those who are looking to cope better. And that really brings me to my hope for this season three. I think if there was one goal we were hoping to accomplish in this is to help us reframe coping and obviously offer so offer some tools and some tips for coping well, and that leads me to, I think, a reframe of coping in its entirety. 

Kevin: When I hear people talk about coping in general, I sometimes hear folks describe their coping as either coping or not coping. So somebody who is struggling might say something like, yeah, I'm not coping, man, I'm really not doing well, or somebody, say describing that they're doing well might say something like, yeah, I'm coping, I'm doing okay. I think that description, this dichotomy of coping or not coping, doesn't serve us well and doesn't help us understand what coping really is and doesn't help us to live into what coping is all about. So in reframing the understanding of coping, we have to shift away from the dichotomy of either coping or not and look at it instead on a spectrum. And what I mean by that is, everybody is coping. We are all coping with something. And the question is, are we coping well or are we coping poorly? So the two ends of the spectrum being not coping, and let me say that again, the two ends of the spectrum are not coping or not coping. 

Kevin: It's coping well or not coping well. And so we're all somewhere on that spectrum. Does that make sense? Is that how you would understand it, Kathy? 

Kathy: Yeah, definitely. 

Kevin: How do you see that with the students that you work with? 

Kathy: Yeah, I think what often happens is that not even thinking about coping, right. They are overwhelmed by anxiety or relationship issues or family situations, or they just lost their job, and then they're freaking out, and then they know that it's a bad situation, and so this is how they're reacting. But they're not stopping to understand that there are, especially if these have been patterns from childhood or just throughout their entire life, that this is what they always do. And they don't even think that it's coping. They know they shouldn't, but they don't know what they should or should not do. Coping well versus not coping well is a great way to teach it and to also give as tools. It's a goal. It's a goal for us. 

Kevin: So it sounds like students of yours who are facing a hard time find themselves, like, living in survival, where they're just, like, reacting to their stressors around them and they're just keeping their head above water. They're drowning and they're trying to keep their head above, above water. In addition to this understanding of the reframe of coping, being either coping well or not coping well, what do you teach your students about coping? How do you help them reframe and understand coping practices? 

Kathy: Sure. So one of the tools, I would say concepts that I teach at the very beginning, which is it's a very accessible way of looking at it. And I'm sure when I explain it, it's going to make sense to everyone out there. Pastor Rick Warren. I think we all know him from Purpose Driven Life. He leads Saddleback Church here in Orange County and has said that everyone lives at one of three levels survival, success, or significance. 

Kathy: Everyone lives at one of three levels survival, success, or significance. And so, Kevin, what is your take on these three S's? 

Kevin: Yeah, I'm so glad you brought this up. This is, like, one of my favorite teachings of his. And I think it's so revolutionary. Like, I remember the first time that I heard this teaching that it just made sense to me why I felt so burnt out or so exhausted because I was living in one of the lower three levels. So the way that I teach it as I work with, you know, some of my colleagues at work, is these three S's are different phases of life, if you will, but also different phases in different areas of our life. And so the way that I understand it is this: When we're living in the phase of survival, we're quite literally living day to day. You may think of this as like living paycheck to paycheck, barely keeping your head above water when it comes to your finances. But this is also true, like in our relationships, where you don't feel like your relationships are very successful, where you're doing everything you can to make your relationships work, but you find yourself working really hard at it and not quite clicking. Can't find the right friend group, can't find the right community group. Can't find the right partner. Find yourself just really hustling in every area of your life or in a specific area of your life. Just hustling and barely ever making it by the end of the day. The next phase of life that some move into is this phase of survival. I'm sorry, this phase of success. So you're moving out of survival into success and success. 

Kevin:  Success is when you stop living paycheck to paycheck, stop living maybe day to day and you have some comfort. You are able to afford maybe some of the nice things in life. You're able to enjoy life a little bit, the successes of your hard work. You have some success in your relationships. And I think this is really the the American dream mindset, if you will. Like everything that America teaches us about working hard is in this phase. Working hard so that you can enjoy all of the nice things of life that as a status symbol, you look like, talk like seem like somebody who's successful. We want to be around those successful people. But what I love so much about this teaching and the way that Pastor Rick talks about it is that we were created for this third phase. And that's the phase of significance. 

Kevin: That although we may find areas of our life or times in our life where we're living in survival and we may find ourselves transitioning into a place of success, what we're really destined for is significance. That when we work really hard, that hard work has meaning when we are in relationships with other people and it's successful that it gives meaning to our lives, that we find meaning in the things that we do, the people that we relate to. But more than that, that it connects to this higher purpose that we have and to our creator who has destined us for a life in community but in relationship with him. And so I feel like in those times and in those spaces in my life where I feel most exhausted, it's because I'm either stuck in survival or in success. And taking some time to pause and reflect on how I can transition into significance has been really helpful for me and I think is very much about coping and recognizing that the hustle isn't what we are destined for. 

Kathy: Right? It's very, very hopeful teaching because we find ourselves just thinking where are we going? Or what is the goal of our life and to know that we can return to the purpose for which we were created. Significance is a breath of fresh air. 

Kevin: And you said that you're the one that, you know, uses this a lot with your students. I wonder, how would you I guess what I mean to say is, like, what's the relationship between coping and these three S's? Why is this such an important teaching for our community who's just trying to cope? 

Kathy: Well, if you're in survival let's take the first one. If you're in survival and I would say that a majority of students that come to me for help in coaching are in survival in some area of their life, if not more than two or three or four areas of their life. Meaning they don't have any direction, there's no plan, and so they don't have any coping strategies, and they are not coping well. Sure. So in survival, we are not coping well. We're just barely making it. That is not coping well. That's just surviving. I meet a few students who are successful. They're successful financially, they're in good jobs. And what does that look like coping wise? 

Kathy Maybe there are some tools. They've been to therapy, so they have some tools to learn about who they are and their strengths and their weaknesses, and they're actively working on that. So the coping and the success realm would be marked by some use of some tools and therapy and things like that. It's interesting that they have some coping strategies. 

Kevin: Yeah. And it's interesting that some people who are successful seek out a life coach. Why? Why is it that somebody successful? 

Kathy: And the reason is they have all accumulated all of the tools, all of the things, and then they are lacking significance. 

Kevin: Sure. 

Kathy: And so that is the third one. And if we. Think about, like, coping for significance, that's our ultimate goal is to begin to integrate why we are here with our lives. And the only way we can do that is to work through the pain and the dysfunctional patterns to then live a life of significance. 

Kevin: Yeah, I'm thinking about my work in the hospital, especially with families and patients at end of life. We talk about this idea of meaning making, that it's one of the most important practices that families and patients do as they near their end of life. Make meaning from their illness, of doing a life review, talking about their childhood and their young adulthood and the things that are important to them. And I think significance is what that practice of meaning making really gets at, is I'm doing all of these things or in a patient who's near end of life, I've done all of these things. But was it significant? Did it matter? Did it mean something? Did I make an impact on the world around me? What's my legacy? I think it gets at that bigger question of that third S moving out of the success of what I've achieved or my accolades or what I've accomplished, move out of all the hard work I've done, but what was it all for? And that's what this third S gets at. So that's really good. I like that a lot. It's really helpful. 

Kevin: And so I think as we consider this principle or this teaching of the three S's, we have this principle, um, and it's that we were created to live beyond survival and success and to live into a life filled with significance. I'll say that again, we were created to live beyond survival and success into a life filled with significance. And so I wonder if you have any practices for our community this month. What's their homework? 

Kathy: So, yes, every episode we want you to practice and the first assignment would be to this week, scan your life. Look over if you're like a bird's eye view of your life, scan your life and see where are you living in survival? I'm sure even as I say these words, there are areas of your life that are popping into your mind. Where are you successful and where are you seeking significance? You can put even like mental post-it notes of that in your mind and in your heart of the areas that need some work and which ones need better coping strategies. 

Kevin: Well, awesome. So, just to recap, when we think about coping, let's think about coping as first, everybody is coping, everybody's coping with something and the question is not if you're coping or if you're not coping, the question is, are you coping well? And there are tips and tools and strategies to be coping well. And a really good way to think about your measure of coping well or unwell is are you moving from survival and success into this third phase of significance? Have you found significance in the majority of the areas of your life and the homework? This week, scan your life and do a journal, talk with a friend about these three s's and try to identify what areas of your life you're hoping to transition into more of a place of significance. 

Kevin: So with that, whatever you may be coping with, we are thinking of you and hoping so -- Let me figure how to how to how to sign this off. How do we end this first podcast. Whatever it is that you may be coping with, we are sending prayers your way, thinking about you and wishing blessings to you. Thank you. 

Kathy: Thank you.